Halloween is coming, and that means many,
many costuming mistakes will be made by normally sane adults. To help
stop this scourge, each Thursday we will be offering tips and analysis
of what to avoid, or possibly what to do. Check out past entries here and here.
If VH1 has taught us nothing else, it's shown that it's never too
soon to be nostalgic. This Halloween, tap into the cultural era
academics refer to as "the `90s" and impress friends with your knowledge
of history. Rekindle their fond memories of last decade with your
meticulously assembled, detail-rich costume. Or just piss people off
with a tasteless O.J. get-up. Either way works.
ZomBenet Ramsey
Proudly honor the memory of JonBenet Ramsey, the tiny victim of the
decade's most sensational unsolved murder, by donning a tiara and fancy
sash. The slaying of the six-year-old beauty queen is still largely a
mystery to investigators and her parents, with the latter even being
initially linked to the slaying of their own daughter. The case helped
spawn countless books and television shows, and even led to a screaming
shrew like Nancy Grace having a valid career. But why plaster on copious
amounts of draggish make-up and dodg
y doll clothes when you can go
as...ZomBenet Ramsey! With an insatiable taste for Lisa Frank stickers,
beauty-pageant trophies, brains of the living and ice cream, this little
undead cutie is sure to help you win any Halloween costume contest that
comes your way. Hell, get a buddy to dress up as John Mark Karr, the
batshit loonball who admitted to killing the child in 2006 only to have
his confession dismissed as a hoax.
O.J. Simpson
Heisman Trophy-winner, NFL record-setter, Hertz rental-pitcher -- it
seemed like Orenthal James Simpson could do it all. But just when we
thought we experienced the totality of his gifts, he reached deep into
his bag of tricks and showed us a brand new side: Psychotic
double-murderer. He had only meant to kill his ex-wife that night, but
when he got to her Brentwood condo, what do you know -- waiter Ron
Goldman was there! Voila -- a two-in-one! He was on such a roll that,
had the entire defensive line of the 1976 Pittsburgh Steelers been
outside Nicole's door that night, they would've met the same grizzly
fate. To pull this one off, we expect you tote around a (fake, we guess)
decapitated human head in one hand and wield a butcher knife in the
other. And don't forget the Isotoners!
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| You might want to try a little bit harder on the wig than this one did... |
Spice Girls
Back in the day, it used to take five people to do their jobs of a
Britney or Miley. In late 1996 the world got all the more glitterier and
mildly pornographic when the Spice Girls made their debut in England.
Arriving at the end of the age of Brit-pop, the girls were a carefree
and effervescent group of ready-made stars. (f you don't now have their
single "Wannabe" rolling through your brain, you are a lifeless android,
because that shit was hype.) There was Scary Spice, the feisty loud
one, and Baby Spice, the innocent blonde doe-eyed one who loved
baby-doll dresses. Sporty and Posh Spice were the yin and yang of the
group, one jockish and the other vampy. That leaves Ginger Spice, the
fiery, busty redhead who we had a torrid imaginary love affair with from
1997 to 1999. Thanks to her our ideas of femininity were forever
tainted, stunting our emotional growth and leaving a trail of ruined
socks. On second thought, no one dress up as Ginger Spice. You can put
on a track suit and say "Oi!" all night, or impersonate David Beckham's
wife, but dear God, please don't make us bear more heartache by donning a
skintight Union Jack mini-skirt with dangerous looking hooker boots.
Ok, you can if you want.
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| Not sure - as usual - if this is supposed to be a homeless man or Kurt Cobain |
Kurt Cobain
In 1994, followers of grunge rock lost their totem of isolation and
pain when Nirvana lead singer and guitarist Kurt Cobain retired to the
garage apartment and proceeded to become the world's most lamented
slacker icon. His suicide that April didn't necessarily shock millions
as much as it confirmed suspicions that he was in fact a tortured artist
not long for this cruel world.
The question of how to dress as Cobain becomes one of personal taste.
Do you fashion some kind of grisly and bloody head wrap to simulate the
fatal self-inflicted wound, or do you simply wear his iconic denim and
flannel get-up with a dirty blonde wig? Personally we think the best
route would be to cut your losses and dress as a mixture of his widow
Courtney Love and Cobain himself. No one would know the difference.
Coolio
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| The pterodactyl accesory is optional |
We
haven't been throwing much out there for black Halloween revelers.
Sure, it's fine for a black person to dress up as a white person,
whereas the opposite makes us feel kind of uncomfortable. (If you don't
understand why that is, you probably use terms like "reverse racism"
without realized how fucking dumb that sounds.) But fellas, if you don't
feel like going all pasty this year, consider gearing up as the man who
took us on a fantastic voyage to a gangsta's paradise. Coolio's
wild-ass hair and `90s hip-hop style won't be hard to put together for
you middle-of-the-road types. But to go all out when making your
entrance, you're going to need a trunk full of hot girls, some dudes,
one dog, a white family and a couple mariachis. You're on your own
there.
Heaven's Gate Cult Member
Every
decade needs a good cult. The `60s had the Children of God, the `70s
scored big time with Jonestown, the `80s saw...well, the Cult formed in
1983. The 1990s were especially fruitful, what with the Branch Davidians
bringing cult warfare back to the headlines. But the smaller Heaven's
Gate, whose members left their earthly vessels for the Mothership in
1997 at the behest of Ron Paul look-alike and erstwhile University of
St. Thomas music instructor Marshall Applewhite, stuck out for an
especially memorable reason: their wardrobe. Their choice of black
shirts and sweatpants and brand new black-and-white Nikes came to define
cult couture. So it's an easy, relatively cheap costume. And
bonus points if you want to take the costume to its most authentic
extreme by getting castrated, eating phenobarbital-laced pudding, and
tying a plastic bag over your head. At your funeral, your friends will
eulogize what was one of the best Halloween costumes they'd ever seen.
Timothy McGay
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| He just looks gay in this picture... |
We've
already demonstrated the genius of a clever play on a famous name. If
you're hesitant to dress as a little girl, though, consider reminding
everyone how dope the `90s were by having some fun with terrorism.
Timothy McGay hates the government, but he's down with exploding orange
and black glitter "bombs." He thinks the federal fart-knockers who gank
his money and restrict his gun rights are buggin', but he loves the way
extra-long false eyelashes add a little
je ne sais quoi to any costume. Tyranny is never in vogue -- as if! -- but black nail polish against prison-orange always looks tight.
Jeffrey Dahmer
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| Ryan Seacrest wears his Jeffrey Dahmer costume |
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